I never knew I was depressed until it was too late.
Because really… what is depression anyways? It was always associated with other people, sad people. How is it that you can be sad but not actually understand that emotion? Those are just some of the weird thoughts I experience on a daily basis.
My mom had finally decided to leave my “step” father. FINALLY. I still remember the day when I was about 12 years old and she pulled me and my brother aside, with this stern look on her face: “How would you both feel if I were to one day leave your dad?”
At 12 I don’t think I had ever been happier… but I knew that my little brother would have it, he loved him. Before I could even say anything he broke down in tears, obviously upset. At 12 I knew my mom wasn’t happy. There was always some sort of tension and resentment in my household… you could just feel it when you walked in the door. Anyways, I knew it would still be quite a few years before my mom would actually be able to leave him and I was right. It wasn’t going to be easy to just leave but she knew she had to.
Well, the day finally came. Lots of things had happened throughout those years and it was just time. I remember it was September and my mom pulled me aside- she told me she found an apartment for me, my brother and her- we would be moving at the end of January. You see, my dad had put the house up for sale a few weeks prior to this… without telling anyone. I was dumbfounded one morning waking up, walking into my kitchen… just to see a Realtor and a potential buyer for my home. I called my mom confused… and well… that’s how we found out we were leaving our house.
My dad just carried on like nothing had happened and starting searching for a new home for the whole family… meanwhile I already knew my mom had other plans. Let me tell you, I am by far THE WORST LIAR EVER. But, when I am nervous, I laugh A LOT. So, when my dad would ask me to meet him at a potential house for the family… I would go along and laugh at every. single. thing. We were never close… far from it so I don’t think he actually caught onto my nervousness. Turns out he found a house that he wanted to put an offer on… of which he needed me to convince my mom to come see it. [I guess she had told him no already.]
Well, my dad bought that house still not knowing my mom was leaving him. He was set to move in sometime in January. Our house was set to close mid January. Everything was set in place.
I had just started University throughout all of this. Let me tell you how much my grades fell… to the point of me just not showing up to class because I mentally had so many more things going on. I started partying like there was no tomorrow. I was missing school because I was up so late the night before drinking and having fun. I had also been in a long distance relationship going on 3 years- he was set to propose that December, I knew it.
So let’s get this all straight: September- I started University. My dad puts up my house for sale without me knowing. My mom tells me shes leaving my dad and not to tell him just yet. My dad buys a house. My boyfriend and I start fighting constantly because “I have so much going on here and you’re just not here.” I start drinking and partying.
Fast forward to December: My dad knows we won’t be moving with him. I have missed SO MANY DAYS OF SCHOOL… i miss an exam and actually thought that that was a good idea. I broke my arm pretty badly while drinking at the end of November to be casted for 8 weeks. [it was actually like 4 months… oops] I broke up with my boyfriend because I just couldn’t stop fighting with him and I “didn’t need the extra stress.”
I honestly just thought I was stressed… and that with a new year I would be fine- get back on track. Well, that didn’t happen. I spent a good two years on this path… I dropped out of school to work full time while I figured things out.
Those two years were the best/worst two years of my life. But what happened was I started thinking back about the series of events that started this whole spiral. I was depressed… so so so depressed and I didn’t even know it. I think I still suffer from some sort of depression but I know that things can always get better. I have found that things just seem to have a way of working out for me… and that whatever happens, happens.
Que Sera, Sera.