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Today was a good day.
I feel so free today. Like the burden has been once again lifted from my shoulders. I am skeptical that this feeling won’t last and I know I will still have rough days. But today, today was good.
It started off with a message from my ex. My first love to be exact… and that’s a story in itself. But I was sent a message from him that threw me off guard. All this time I know we broke up because I was too young to be in a relationship, that it was not our time. We broke up because I felt alone all the time and needed him to be closer to me. I was suffering from what I now know was depression. We loved each other, but I knew deep down that something was not right and I ran away from it. We did not have a problem… my life was the problem and I blamed him for not being there.
Anyways. Today I received a message from him… our first form of contact in quite possibly 3 years. He blamed himself for everything that was apparently wrong in our relationship.. and apologized for putting me through so much “torment & pain.” He suffers from borderline personality disorder, cptsd, ocd and depression.
I am sure he is apologizing to everyone he has ever had contact with in his life on the advice of a counselor. Good for him- I am happy for him. I reminded him on why we truly broke up, it was not him and I reminded him that I will always love him. I knew this man inside and out- none of what he told me has come to me as a surprise or shock. I am happy that he is finally seeking the help he deserves… because I could not do that for him… I didn’t know how & I knew I couldn’t.
I think about him everyday. I lost a part of my heart the day I lost him. I hope that one day maybe he will come to terms with everything that has happened in his life thus far and can find the peace and happiness he so deserves.
Again, today was a good day. My medication finally allowed me to eat three actual meals today… breakfast was my meal replacement shake, lunch was hummous and triscuits and I went out for dinner with one of my really good friends from high school.
I also learnt something else today. A friend I made in College a couple years ago now are actually connected more like family. It’s funny. This guy that “everyone” has been saying I cheated on my boyfriend with… or that I am in love with or something. No one actually understands that we have real conversations. Today was about my family. My uncle and grandfather both passed away incredibly close to one another. There was this one women… Stacey who came into my family’s life… and helped make a dream of my uncles come true before he passed away. She helped him put together a book.
Turns out… Stacey is my friends step sister. I guess he was visiting his dad and saw a book with my last name on it and asked his dad/step mom about it and they explained it. He had heard me talk about my uncle before and knew a bit about who he was and has seen pictures of my family etc… but it wasn’t until he saw the book that he put it all together.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I meet people and lose people in my life all the time… for a reason and it’s my job to find out those reasons. I love meeting new people and I do not mind taking people out of my life that no longer need to be there.
I must be on a path to somewhere great. I can feel it.