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I lost myself for an entire year.

How does that even happen? I’m glad I did though… or else I wouldn’t be where I am now.

I was talking with one of my really good friends today about friendship. Upon that of our struggles, even reminiscing of years past. The same subject of friendship kept reappearing. A girl we used to be friends with… or are still sort of friends with is getting married this summer. We were trying to decide on if it was appropriate to actually attend her wedding. Yes we were invited… but still. I don’t want to say that we don’t believe in her marriage… or maybe I am.

In any case, we aren’t very close to her. We [along with maybe 250 guests] are not invited to her actual ceremony as its along a river where maybe 20 people could fit. No hard feelings because I don’t think it would even be appropriate to watch two people you barely know anymore get married. To all of us girls that used to be really great friends with her once upon a time ago- its surreal that shes getting married. It’s all she ever wanted… but it didn’t seem like it mattered with whom it was. This wedding seems like it’s just happening because they’re settling. I hate that. Of course we will never say anything to her. We all smile and say we are happy for her. I sure would hope that no one ever had reservations or thought that about my wedding.

Anyways, that discussion brought me and my girlfriend to speaking about how our circles had changed… and how many people we actually consider to be close friends.
In agreement we noted that our circles had indeed gotten smaller.

It’s like the older you get, the more you realize just who is real and who is just there in your life with no real meaning. I am a person that loves everyone. But i refuse to open up to anyone. Or at least I used to refuse to open up to anyone. This past month… I have opened up to so many people.

I know it was always a thing… that people would say you should open up, tear down the walls and speak up if anything’s bothering you. I would nod but I just never understood why anyone would do that… Or how you even start that conversation. I held everything inside all the time. My escape was music and dance.

I could listen to music for hours and get lost in my own little world. I would feel the music in my soul and that would just flow through my body into dance. The demons that were inside me would all clear as soon as the music turned on.

I lost that for an entire year. I lost the real me for an entire year.

The other day, i downloaded the Sam Hunt album and plugged my head into ear phones, stood in front of my mirror and just danced for an hour. Eyes closed I just danced and sang. I am addicted to this album at the moment. But I know it’s not just this music, it’s the fact that I am finding myself again.

Depression maybe won’t ever leave my mind or my body, and I am okay with that. I am just not okay with it taking over my life anymore. Everyday is still a struggle but each day that passes by I become more and more… okay.

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