My depression latches onto everything I may deem to be sad or unhappy. It holds on tight to every sad thing I hear, every horrible thing I see to a mean comment I’m told. I become those sad and unhappy moments. I’m drowning every single day that I try to breathe by. I just can’t help it.
A really close friend of mine wants to commit suicide and has tried to countless times the past few weeks. I’ve become that person who cannot help but who can only stand by and pray nothing happens. I become those emotions of missing someone whose still here.
My boyfriend told me I was fat. Well, at least that was how I perceived it. He didn’t mean it one bit, but through the skew of texts and a long distance relationship along with my already tumultuous thoughts of my friend- that’s how I took it. My depression took hold of one little thing he said and turned it into this whirlwind of thoughts on not eating, or eating better, going to the gym… Good things but bad at the same time.
My depression is probably the reason I try to laugh at everything- why I smile and try to shrug things off. It’s not that I don’t want to deal with things because I am a logical person. I can think through any problem I’m in and I can find a way to fix it and move on. I just don’t want something as minuscule as say… My hair not turning out right, to be a reason my depression comes out full throttle. I try to laugh when I see children running around my place of work, when someone’s making a mess of things I try to smile even though I know I will have to work twice as hard afterwards. I try to not let someone else’s bad day ruin my day. I try to laugh and smile whenever possible even if I cannot stop over thinking in my head. I’m not trying to be fake because it’s the real me- a happy person. I’m just trying to not let my depression take over me anymore.
I come home from work exhausted every single day- busy or not because of how many thoughts I go through in one day. It mentally exhausts me and physically drains every ounce of “fun” out of me. I hate it. I truly love going out but not at the expense of having to drink alcohol to socialize which in turn worsens my depression.
It’s hard to explain how my depression works or why it does what it does… It’s just there and I know it.