This past year has been a tough one without a doubt. But I have gotten through it.
This past year I’ve also been the person some have come to when they feel like they have nothing left to offer this world. They’re done with life, think everyone hates them and just want to be done with it all. I’ve struggled with depression but I have never come to a point where I ever thought that ending it all was the answer. I can’t sympathize… But that’s not what I’m here for.
Two people I cared about dearly both told me they wanted to “end all the pain and suffering they’ve caused everyone.” Each time I had no idea how to respond except somehow I managed to continue talking with them, getting them to explain themselves.
Scenario one: my ever so recent ex boyfriend after breaking up with him wanted to end his own life. I was on the phone with him as a train was in the background … Getting closer and closer until the phone went crackley and silent. Longest 2 minutes of my life was that moment until it was him calling me. I was hysterical but I still managed to talk to him and kept him talking. How was I supposed to act? What should I say? What don let I say? Somehow these things just came natural to me and my instinct was to just keep him talking. He is still here with us today- a lot better I might add from what I hear.
Scenario two: my high school sweetheart- first love of my life. We have so many happy memories and so many firsts together he will always be someone I treasure forever. So when he called me a couple weeks ago, after nearly a year of no talking. telling me he had just gotten out of the hospital for trying to commit suicide twice the previous week… Needless to say I was in shock.
I was at work- and I had looked at my phone to see there were two missed calls from him and a text message asking me to call him. Right away I called him to no response and my gut just sunk. I texted him three times before he answered with “I’m sorry I was just trying to calm down” we chatted for a few more hours while he told me how he was feeling.
I could never imagine a life without him and I just can’t imagine how he’s feeling and going through to be having these thoughts.
His backstory though makes a lot of sense and after some thought I just came to an understanding… This wasn’t the man I once loved- well maybe it is… Was… But so much has changed. Diagnosed with PTSD, ocd, bi polar disorder and depression… Everything I knew about him and his actions all just kind of clicked. How he was versus how he has been since returning from overseas. It just clicked for me.
This man that had taught me so much about myself was really no longer there anymore. But we have a history nonetheless.
See, people have just told me to stop talking to him, have asked my why I even bother talking to him be there’s nothing you can do, I’m not in his life anymore. They have said so many things like I just don’t need that negativity in my life. They’re all right.
I’m not searching for negative things to come into my life. I believe that if I can help someone through something terrible… Then I do it and I try. This person has thought they lost it all and everyone around them and they no longer have a purpose in life. I know it’s not my job to try and fix people but I believe that if I can help someone in any way possible, be there for someone in need then I’m going to do it. I don’t feel bothered by others when they need to talk. I love listening- it’s probably one of the best things I do. I don’t think people understand that just because you don’t see someone everyday doesn’t give them the right to not talk to someone. He needed someone to be there for him, and that’s what I did. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I hadn’t. Because… What if? He was my best friend for so many years, how could I just let him go like he was nothing when he needed someone the most?
This part of me that loves listening has always had me thinking of getting into a new profession but honestly… For me I just love listening to people, meeting new people and getting to hear about their lives. So I feel I also owe it to those that I once knew or know now, to talk to them and listen to them and keep them in my thoughts. I am that person that will always be there for everyone no matter the date, time or place.