It’s almost been a year. I suppose technically I’m still depressed and technically I still have anxiety but who isn’t these days? With good days will come bad days it’s just nice to know the good days are now starting to outweigh the bad days. This chemical imbalance in my brain just might be starting to balance itself out… With medical assistance I might add. I’ve come to terms with being clinically depressed and anxiety prone and I am a lot more open about it- which helps a lot. I feel like the more I’m open about what’s going on with me and my thoughts, the more people around me do the same or come to understand where I come from and where my thoughts come from.
I was at dinner today meeting my boyfriends close friends where I basically spent three hours talking about where I came from family wise and my views on life etc… With no shame. About 10 years ago I would never have let someone so new in my life know everything about me… But now… Who cares? It’s my life and I’m proud of where I am and where I’ve come from.
I am out visiting my boyfriend again in Alberta for a week right now and I am sure that has a lot to do with my happiness these days. It was something to look forward to- seeing his face, being able to see him in person and to just have that face to face connection again. I know the endorphins are running but I still have my moments: I first arrived and I basically had a melt down again. His roommate is a girl, whose really pretty and has a wicked awesome personality. She calls him by my pet name for him yet I know there’s no feelings between them. But there was a moment when I was about to head out with my boyfriend, he went and started the car came inside and yelled out “woman.” To which his roommate acknowledged him. To me, right then and there I just felt like the third wheel to their “relationship” because they see each other every day almost- I’m just there visiting. Even now, as I sit beside him and think about it it still bugs me. Even though I basically cried it out one night and he reassured me they were nothing- it’s still hard to see him have another close woman companion.
Even though I’m happy, so so so so so happy there will still be things that get to me on a different level that I cannot control. Jealousy is a weird and unnatural concept to me- because I’ve never felt it before. But I’ve also never been so in love with someone this way either so I’m sure it goes hand in hand. I trust him and I trust myself and I trust us to be together in the long run.