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I had a panic attack today: a couple minor ones throughout the day to be exact. 

I did it to myself. 

I have yet to find a job in my field in which I graduated with a degree in this past December and I want to go back to school so I want to find the funding to do so. I’m in a long distance relationship that I find it hard to keep afloat due to a lack of communication. How do I miss someone so much and yet I barely talk to them each day. It’s all texting these days- there is no real communication. We work all day- I’m two hours ahead so when he finally gets home, I’m ready for bed and he’s at home cooking dinner and can’t talk. I feel like when I do call I’m wasting his time like he has better things he could be doing. So I don’t call. I don’t talk about my feelings. I want to cry. 

It was midnight last night and I couldn’t stop thinking about work and school and him. I just wanted it to all go away. As I was falling asleep I just wished I could die and not have to deal with it anymore. 

I was so scared of that thought and I still am. I’ve never had those thoughts before… But there I was. Lying in bed just thinking to myself through all the tears that I just wanted to die.

I got up this morning in a bad mood. Ashamed of my thoughts from the night prior. I had to go to work, I had to force myself to smile and go to work and pretend like everything is fine. Except when I got to work I had it written on my face that something wasn’t okay and I started crying. I didn’t know what else to do. My boyfriend and I were bickering about something stupid… I’m hormonal and I just want everything to go away. 

I tell my boyfriend I miss him and I want him to come home and up until I tell him I want him to come home it’s all fine… It’s that last part that hits a nerve with him. But I don’t know how to tell him that I actually need him to come home… I don’t know how much longer I can take right now and it scares me.

I can’t stop panicking. I thought it would go away.