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I wonder sometimes what life would be like if I hadn’t made certain choices in life. 

I wonder, where might I be right now? What life path would I be on… Who would I have surrounding me during my moments of awe or sadness. 

What if I had said yes, when instead I shouted no. 

What if I knew who I was when I was 18, what I wanted… 

What if, what if I could have exactly what I wanted at 18, right now…. Would I be happy? Would I feel fulfilled? Would I have stopped wondering about who I should be by now, should have accomplished by now… Would that all disappear? 

I wonder sometimes but I try to not let it hold me back. For the very first time I’m about to be truely alone and I don’t know what to think of it. 

I can’t wait to move, to decorate, to dance around my apartment and sing out loud and laugh at myself for being dumb. I’m looking forward to moving around my furniture until I get it “just right.” I’m looking forward to the times I’m trying to hammer a nail into the wall and I accidentally hit my finger. I can’t wait to laugh at all the recipes I’m going to screw up while trying to not catch anything on fire. What I’m not looking forward to are the long nights alone, sitting out on the balcony this summer at night looking at the stars and just thinking. Wondering about all those what ifs in my life, wondering if I’m where I should be. If things are going according to plan or did I miss a step along the way? 

I’m wondering what it’s really going to feel like to be alone.