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Im scared out of my freaking mind. I just need to get away and think, sit somewhere, drive to listen to some music, cry and car dance just to laugh at myself. I just want an answer and I just want to know what’s going on. It’s like deep down there’s this feeling that something’s not right but there’s also this thing in the back of my mind telling me it could be normal and it could be nothing. It just makes you want to tell everyone you love them, makes you work that much harder, appreciate any ups or downs and any challenges that may arise. It means I’m breathing, Functioning and Alive. I still want to get away and cry and pray that everything will be all right. Just like I try to convince everyone else that it’s honestly probably nothing. I convince myself until I need to move my hair, put earrings in, put moisturizer and makeup on. I convince myself until I have to look in the mirror. I convince myself it’s nothing and that it will be gone in the morning so I can fall asleep. I convince myself that blacking out while standing up for a second is something normal. That started the other day, because maybe I’m just stressed. I am working a lot. I know I shouldn’t be drinking so much coffee either, it makes my stomach sick, but to be honest, I’m tired. Exhausted. The coffee gives me my personality back until it wares off. I’m just so tired. And scared. I’m also scared. What gets me is that i used to get sick all of the time. Like all the time. Someone could cough in my direction and I could get sick, and it would seemingly last forever. Until one day I would be fine for a week and then bam, sick again. But this year, I really haven’t been sick, from what I can remember anyways. My memory’s been quite foggy lately. I mean I think I maybe had the flu or something early last year but I think that’s about it. I remember I felt like death. Although I thought I didn’t have energy then… nothing compares to my lack of energy now. Its not even a lack of energy anymore, it’s honestly like I just physically can’t move anymore. But I still manage to somehow. My bones also really hurt… ugh 
I’ve noticed I have stopped caring about how much makeup I put on my face these past couple of weeks as well. Instead of a heavy foundation I’ve switched to a light tinted moisturizer so I don’t have to spend so much time touching my skin to blend, chancing touching the bumps. I’m scared of them because I don’t know why they won’t go away even though they could honestly be nothing. It’s like the less time I take caring about my appearance the easier it is to forget there’s something I want to hide and ultimately go away. 

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