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It was November when I first found this lump on my neck. If memory serves me correctly (it’s been pretty shotty lately) but, if it’s correct I was rubbing moisturizer into my face and neck getting ready for the day when my fingers ran across it. Very odd I remember thinking, so I did what every other human being would do… hit up google. I deemed it a case of being stressed/ an oncoming cold/ flu… I had just started a a new job the month beforehand working crazy hours so I figured I was bound to be stresssed/ sick.

Fast forward to December and I felt beyond exhausted… like there’s no other way to describe how I felt except physically and mentally exhausted. I had been putting in long hours at work and again stressed to the max because of it. The lump was still there popping out of my neck saying hi to all and all of my hair was up and I recall thinking “hm, well I haven’t gotten sick yet, that’s odd.” At the end of the month I remember thinking well if it’s still there in two weeks I’ll make a doc appointment to get it checked out. Two weeks came and went and I thought… well, in the new year if it’s still there then I’ll call. I was getting a little nervous but nothing I was ready to share with the outside world yet.

The second week of January I was at work and I went Blind in my right eye for 10 minutes… so I figured I should call and make that doc appointment. Doc appointment came and after a long discussion and exam of my lump it was discovered that it was actually two lumps, one smaller marble sized one and the other about the size of a golf ball. That would explain the funny shape I felt. Sent for blood work and an ultrasound to begin the ruling out process. Could be reactive nodes, could be mono… I was hoping for mono… that would have made sense to me.  Two days later I had my blood results back, and my white blood cell levels were all marked LO. The rest of my numbers were low, but within the “normal” range. Ultrasound was a week later and the results another week.

Beginning of march I had my next appointment with my doc who explained the results, to which further questions were asked. After explaining what I was going through and feeling on a daily basis, along with another exam of my entire neck it was deemed that another ultrasound, and follow up blood work would be necessary. Mono, reactive nodes and a few other things had been ruled out from the bloodwork.. thus new terms were brought into the scenario. It helped actually because what she said 1000% fit everything I was feeling. It helped to have a name for something I am experiencing, although not diagnosed, it just helped to ensure I wasn’t going crazy and that something odd was going on.

Fast forward to last week where I received news that according to the ultrasound in comparative to my first one that the lumps had indeed grown. So much so that now the next step is to have more bloodwork done, a ct scan as well as a biopsy of these things. So finally one step closer to hopefully figuring out why these lumps have decided to call my neck home for the past 7 months.

It could be nothing, but it could also be something- both of which I’m preparing myself for.

My outward existence is that of something in survival mode I’ve deemed. Neither here nor there, just going through the motions of everyday life… trying to focus on work and others and making others happy than focusing on my own well being. I feel numb to this entire situation until I’m home alone about to fall asleep where my mind races. Or I’ll have a day off and have a mental breakdown for a few minutes having to pull myself together because I know there’s nothing I can change and that I’m on the road to finding out answers.

I layed down on my couch earlier today and experienced heart palpitations… probably brought on by the news from the other day. I was at work when I missed the phone call from my doctor, to which I took a deep breath, found a quiet space and called back. My hands were shaking, and even began to tangle as if they were falling asleep… I think I was going into shock I don’t know. “So, the lumps have indeed increased in size.” We both knew it the last time I had seen her but this confirmed it. This confirmed that whatever it is, it’s not going away or down without a fight. I broke down at work for a few minutes, got myself together and went and got more blood work done. Levels are still low and my creatinine levels are continually decreasing.

So I am waiting for the ct as well as the biopsy. Still hoping to wake up one morning and the lumps not be there anymore… still hoping because you just never know. Stranger things have happened I’m sure.