Que sera, sera

So… it’s been awhile.

A few weeks ago I had made plans to go see a new friend and her two children for the day. The night before I was supposed to head over to her house however, I lay in bed crying overwhelmed by the amount of sheer pain I was in. The only way I could describe it was by imagining two stakes (like the blunt ones you use to keep a tent in the ground). Two stakes being dug into my shoulders as I just simply lay there, looking at the clock as time passed by, thinking how the hell I was going to muster getting out of bed in the morning to follow through with my plans. Like I just moved to an entirely new city- a new province even. I NEED FRIENDS. 6am rolled around, still no sleep so I unfortunately messaged my friend to tell her I was unable to make it in a few hours… I was trying to will myself to sleep through the pain and the tears. Advil, melatonin, vitamin d, my bone meds… literally nothing was working. I guess throughout all the crying and pills, I managed to fall asleep for an hour or so that day.

I don’t think I will ever be able to forget that pain. And even more unfortunately the entire next day was filled with the same pain combined with my usual arm bone pain. So that was SUPER fun. Fast forward a few days later, I started feeling unwell & felt the lymph nodes all swollen down my neck and upper chest again. I ended up calling my doctor back in Ontario who scheduled me to get my blood drawn in my current city. Low and behold those pesky white blood cells were indeed incredibly low and was told to stay indoors or run the risk of getting worse. She also scheduled me for a bone scan when I come home in a few weeks so… yay. Expecting the worse but hoping for the best.

What sucks is that for the past 6 or so months every test I’ve had to take, the countless amount of blood I had taken from my body stayed consistent. Nothing good, but nothing worse than what it had previously been. So why all of the sudden changes? Just when I find a new job that I loved, with awesome people… I’m told I should stay home or basically run an even higher chance of getting worse. I’m 28 years old and I have the immune system of what feels like a 90 year old woman.

I try my best to keep in high spirits with a positive attitude, but the anxiety has also crept back in slowly. I do my best to keep it at bay but there are plenty of times in one day where I just can’t help but think the worst. What if there are new bone lesions? What if one day I’m out for a run and my legs just give out and break. I have to constantly use hand sanitizer if I’m out, and make sure to always use hand railings to steady my balance going up and down stairs. It’s honestly this full circle of having to touch everything that is covered in germs and yet use this sanitizing liquid (taking what natural self defence I do somewhat have down to a solid zero). Obviously I’m overthinking everything and I’m sure everything will be fine… but there’s just always that nagging feeling in the back of my head that somethings just not right.





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“No news, is good news.”

That’s what’s been going through my head for the past while as I head into another round of ultrasounds, ct scans, blood work and the dreaded biopsy. First the blood work with the same nurse, every week. Then the ultrasound where the new technician so kindly asks what I’m in for today. So I explain in the simplest of ways the… issue… and add in the joke that “you’re going to tell me my lymph nodes are all normal and send me on my merry way.” It usually ends with a concerned look and the not so subtle message; “expect a call from your doctor, I’m going to schedule you a cat scan and biopsy as soon as you walk out this door.” A day later, weekend or not, I get a voicemail from my doctor stating just that. Kudos to my doc though for understanding I will never pick up the phone from their office ever again and to always just leave a message getting straight to the point. The cat scan comes and goes, and then it’s time for pre op (blood work, yay!) and then the biopsy.

The process doesn’t change. Everything goes down like clockwork but the nervousness and anxiety never seem to let up.

It makes me smile every time I think about visiting the doctor when I was younger- for any odd reason it was. I’d be waiting to hear back from the doctor after a test was done and I wouldn’t hear anything until my next followup appointment. No news was good news. The apple a day kept the doctor away.

Every time I get that voicemail, see the nurses, the technicians and the doctors I always keep thinking “no news is good news.” It gets to me in a way that I can’t explain. There’s always news, there’s always an update, there’s always someone to see. There’s always something.



Multiple Myeloma & Me


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Late last year I found a lump in my neck.

This lump persisted through the next few months of which I finally told myself, “if it’s still there after Christmas I’ll make an appointment to get it checked out.” Fast forward to early-mid January and I lost my eye sight (in the eye the same side my lump was on). While worried at work, I made the call to my family doctor, explained my situation and was able to secure an appointment the following week. Thankfully the eye sight returned a few hours later, but still, that’s what kicked my ass into gear about getting in to see my doc.

Yes, I indeed had a large lump in my neck but I also had another slightly below it as well. Unsure of what they were I was sent for a routine CBC and an ultrasound. A few days later my blood work came back, noting that my white blood cells were quite low… so that was strange but I waited for the results of the ultrasound to come back and for my follow up appointment a few weeks later. Obviously googling the shit out of low white blood cells etc etc etc in the meantime.

The ultrasound indeed did show I had the couple lumps on the one side of my neck, but, it also showed more lumps on the other side of my neck. Of which the majority were determined to be my lymph nodes.

The next doc appointment, I was asked another series of questions… this time more specific than generalized. I spoke up about having incredibly painful bone pain in my shins and long arm bones all the time. Bone pain, not muscle pain. To losing weight and just generally being tired, but I was really focused on my arms and shin bones constantly hurting. I was told I needed to go for another ultrasound, more blood work, a urine test as well as an MRI this round.

Blood tests turned into weekly blood tests for the next 6 months.

The ultrasound showed no signs that my lymph nodes were improving or getting smaller- in fact they were becoming larger. To the point where you could see them protruding out of my neck if I didn’t keep my hair down. I stopped taking photos of myself, and I honestly would not leave my house if my hair was in a bun or tied back exposing my neck. If a photo was taken I was sure to brush my hair in front of my face, covering anything on my neck. I look back through social media, recognizing the exact thoughts in my head if there was a photo taken of myself- of which there really isn’t many stemming from October of 2016 to now.

The urine test had these “light chains”

The MRI showed yet another picture of these lumps. These stupid goddamn lymph nodes.

I was then told I needed a CAT scan followed by a biopsy of one of my lymph nodes.

After that, along with those weekly blood tests it was all confirmed.

February 2017 the words multiple myeloma were spewed from one of my doctors mouths as a “it sounds like this, but let’s run some tests and see.”

June 2017 all the tests were confirmed. I officially have an old persons disease and I haven’t even turned 30.

Multiple myeloma right now is a battle of not knowing what the future has in store for me. Maybe I’ll be “lucky” & it won’t progress much more for many, MANY more years. From my understanding thus far is that my body does not have what it needs to produce healthy bone marrow, which causes my bones to form lesions (where the extreme bone pain comes in), and that my body right now is producing too much of this antibody- M protein- that doesn’t allow me to fight infections.

It is me waking up every single morning stiff as a board, basically waddling my way around my house until the swelling/ bone pain kind of dissipates throughout the next few hours. I basically live on ibuprofen as well as two other pills that are meant to help my bones become strong.

It is me walking around with a broken foot because my bones will not heal themselves so a cast will do no help. It is hoping these new pills work so I don’t need surgery.

It is me sleeping at times I am not required to be working… which is me not responding to phone calls, text messages and even missing appointments because I just cannot be bothered to try and move.

I constantly rub my arms every day just hoping that I can maybe get them warm so they won’t hurt for a few minutes.

I honestly feel like an old person.

This is multiple myeloma & me.


Here’s to hope


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It was November when I first found this lump on my neck. If memory serves me correctly (it’s been pretty shotty lately) but, if it’s correct I was rubbing moisturizer into my face and neck getting ready for the day when my fingers ran across it. Very odd I remember thinking, so I did what every other human being would do… hit up google. I deemed it a case of being stressed/ an oncoming cold/ flu… I had just started a a new job the month beforehand working crazy hours so I figured I was bound to be stresssed/ sick.

Fast forward to December and I felt beyond exhausted… like there’s no other way to describe how I felt except physically and mentally exhausted. I had been putting in long hours at work and again stressed to the max because of it. The lump was still there popping out of my neck saying hi to all and all of my hair was up and I recall thinking “hm, well I haven’t gotten sick yet, that’s odd.” At the end of the month I remember thinking well if it’s still there in two weeks I’ll make a doc appointment to get it checked out. Two weeks came and went and I thought… well, in the new year if it’s still there then I’ll call. I was getting a little nervous but nothing I was ready to share with the outside world yet.

The second week of January I was at work and I went Blind in my right eye for 10 minutes… so I figured I should call and make that doc appointment. Doc appointment came and after a long discussion and exam of my lump it was discovered that it was actually two lumps, one smaller marble sized one and the other about the size of a golf ball. That would explain the funny shape I felt. Sent for blood work and an ultrasound to begin the ruling out process. Could be reactive nodes, could be mono… I was hoping for mono… that would have made sense to me.  Two days later I had my blood results back, and my white blood cell levels were all marked LO. The rest of my numbers were low, but within the “normal” range. Ultrasound was a week later and the results another week.

Beginning of march I had my next appointment with my doc who explained the results, to which further questions were asked. After explaining what I was going through and feeling on a daily basis, along with another exam of my entire neck it was deemed that another ultrasound, and follow up blood work would be necessary. Mono, reactive nodes and a few other things had been ruled out from the bloodwork.. thus new terms were brought into the scenario. It helped actually because what she said 1000% fit everything I was feeling. It helped to have a name for something I am experiencing, although not diagnosed, it just helped to ensure I wasn’t going crazy and that something odd was going on.

Fast forward to last week where I received news that according to the ultrasound in comparative to my first one that the lumps had indeed grown. So much so that now the next step is to have more bloodwork done, a ct scan as well as a biopsy of these things. So finally one step closer to hopefully figuring out why these lumps have decided to call my neck home for the past 7 months.

It could be nothing, but it could also be something- both of which I’m preparing myself for.

My outward existence is that of something in survival mode I’ve deemed. Neither here nor there, just going through the motions of everyday life… trying to focus on work and others and making others happy than focusing on my own well being. I feel numb to this entire situation until I’m home alone about to fall asleep where my mind races. Or I’ll have a day off and have a mental breakdown for a few minutes having to pull myself together because I know there’s nothing I can change and that I’m on the road to finding out answers.

I layed down on my couch earlier today and experienced heart palpitations… probably brought on by the news from the other day. I was at work when I missed the phone call from my doctor, to which I took a deep breath, found a quiet space and called back. My hands were shaking, and even began to tangle as if they were falling asleep… I think I was going into shock I don’t know. “So, the lumps have indeed increased in size.” We both knew it the last time I had seen her but this confirmed it. This confirmed that whatever it is, it’s not going away or down without a fight. I broke down at work for a few minutes, got myself together and went and got more blood work done. Levels are still low and my creatinine levels are continually decreasing.

So I am waiting for the ct as well as the biopsy. Still hoping to wake up one morning and the lumps not be there anymore… still hoping because you just never know. Stranger things have happened I’m sure.


Just one of those nights

Somehow I thought having a name for what I’m experiencing, feeling and going through would… I don’t know… help? Make it all make sense? Make it all okay? Not necessarily better but give a sense of direction maybe, for the future. Three possibilities left, and the waiting truly is heart wrenching. I won’t get started on the tests. Getting through each hour in a day just to go back to sleep and wake up to do the same thing, have the same questions and thoughts… it’s draining. But somehow, I really did think getting a diagnosis would help. Instead it makes me question everything I do in a day, say to a person, how I speak. It’s mentally draining to know something and have to go through the motions of daily life… like everything is “normal.” 

Or having to calm others down and put on that brave front even more. I wake up every single morning hoping what I was experiencing the days, and nights before are all gone. That everything is truly 100% okay. The lumps are still there, the swollen fingers and legs still happen, the bones still feel like their slowly being hack sawed… and that exhaustion is 10000% making it all worse. But maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and it’ll all just go away. Maybe if I can fall asleep, and stay asleep for more than 3 hours, maybe then my body will decide to fight back on it’s own.     

Until then, the wait. 


Late night


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Im scared out of my freaking mind. I just need to get away and think, sit somewhere, drive to listen to some music, cry and car dance just to laugh at myself. I just want an answer and I just want to know what’s going on. It’s like deep down there’s this feeling that something’s not right but there’s also this thing in the back of my mind telling me it could be normal and it could be nothing. It just makes you want to tell everyone you love them, makes you work that much harder, appreciate any ups or downs and any challenges that may arise. It means I’m breathing, Functioning and Alive. I still want to get away and cry and pray that everything will be all right. Just like I try to convince everyone else that it’s honestly probably nothing. I convince myself until I need to move my hair, put earrings in, put moisturizer and makeup on. I convince myself until I have to look in the mirror. I convince myself it’s nothing and that it will be gone in the morning so I can fall asleep. I convince myself that blacking out while standing up for a second is something normal. That started the other day, because maybe I’m just stressed. I am working a lot. I know I shouldn’t be drinking so much coffee either, it makes my stomach sick, but to be honest, I’m tired. Exhausted. The coffee gives me my personality back until it wares off. I’m just so tired. And scared. I’m also scared. What gets me is that i used to get sick all of the time. Like all the time. Someone could cough in my direction and I could get sick, and it would seemingly last forever. Until one day I would be fine for a week and then bam, sick again. But this year, I really haven’t been sick, from what I can remember anyways. My memory’s been quite foggy lately. I mean I think I maybe had the flu or something early last year but I think that’s about it. I remember I felt like death. Although I thought I didn’t have energy then… nothing compares to my lack of energy now. Its not even a lack of energy anymore, it’s honestly like I just physically can’t move anymore. But I still manage to somehow. My bones also really hurt… ugh 
I’ve noticed I have stopped caring about how much makeup I put on my face these past couple of weeks as well. Instead of a heavy foundation I’ve switched to a light tinted moisturizer so I don’t have to spend so much time touching my skin to blend, chancing touching the bumps. I’m scared of them because I don’t know why they won’t go away even though they could honestly be nothing. It’s like the less time I take caring about my appearance the easier it is to forget there’s something I want to hide and ultimately go away. 


For there is a memory in the smallest of acts


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This year has been one for the books. It was the year of me- for me. I have done quite a lot of reflecting and reminiscing about the past, from 10 years ago until today. I was trying to think what would my 16 year old self think if she knew the things I know now. Its strange to say that I wouldn’t change anything because from everything I have done, or places I have been… I learnt something.

I learnt… what family means… the value in close friendships… the ability to love someone more than I love myself… to forgive and to most importantly move on… to always trust my instincts… to persevere through tough situations… the healing power of a full bodied laugh…  to live in the moment… to always take the path less traveled…

Most importantly, I have learnt to love myself for who I am. I have learnt that speaking my mind and voicing my opinion directly correlates to who I am and who I strive my future self to be. I have learnt that risks are a necessary evil; that to get ahead you need to push yourself and aim for more.
Almost a month ago I quit my job because I wasn’t happy, and I couldn’t stand going into work… so I left. But, I left and I had a well paying job with benefits lined up ready to go. But I still wasn’t happy… I was craving more fulfillment, more… something. A first for me… but I quit after three weeks. It was great, the people were great, it was all great.. but it wasn’t great for me.

Now? Now I am so incredibly happy and excited about what my future has in store. Somewhere along the way this past year I forgot my promise to myself, a promise to always be happy. My one goal in life is to always be happy above all else. Now it’s time to love what I do as well. This upcoming month will bring a new positive, new goals to work towards and I honestly could not be happier.

Cheers to finishing off the year on the same positive note it was rung in with.




Im having trouble


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I just want to cry. I want to physically throw this computer across the room and scream at the top of my lungs.

I cant help but think that I’m in a relationship with just a  figment of a man that exists in my phone because really what else is there?

So I put on a playlist of sad music and cry some more.

I wish I could tell the future and what it has in store for me.. to see if I am making the right choices in life or what? Am I just going through the motions of life for someone else or is there really something that’s going to come from this.

I just want to hide away in a corner somewhere and just be alone from everything.

It’s an odd feeling to be in a relationship with someone you love and want to be with, but not to actually feel loved and wanted. And I feel so guilty about it because I just want to be normal. I feel like Im in a relationship with my phone whether hes here or hes not.

Its such a hard thing to describe, the feeling of not being important even after they tell you that you are. That I have no reason to be angry or upset because they have it worse. That’s how it feels. So I try not to bring it up.

Im selfish for wanting to see the person Im in a relationship with, for wanting more, anything that just shows that Im important because I dont feel like it. If it bugs me that he lives with someone else, its my problem because well “who her? you’ve met her!”. If it bugs me that i dont see him enough “well youre working, do you expect me to jus sit at home alone all day? I havent even seen my family so why are you complaining”.

I just… I just want something more. I used to be able to gush about how much I loved him and now, now I just sit silently because I have nothing to offer. He wants a relationship with his friends and his life more than anything at this point.


Stage zero


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So apparently there’s something called stage zero cancer. But I feel like as soon as you hear the word cancer you automatically think the worst- at least I did. 


I remember exactly where I was, what I was doing, what my surroundings looked like when I received a call from a nurse telling me to call them back. I remember lying in my doctors office a few weeks earlier when he motioned to a nurse for something extra. That test then revealed I needed to have a further biopsy done. So I called my doctors office, told them who I was and that I was returning a phone call. The nurse gave me a long pause. Told me she had better get the doctor for me- did I say it was 6pm when I got this phone call, much later than the office was actually open. 

A test came back that I had precancerous cells… Located in my cervix. I was 19 when I heard those words for the first time. I was told there was an abundance of abnormal cells and the biopsy did confirm precancerous cells. It wasn’t cancer in its truest form but it could be. 

I distinctly think back to the time when I was maybe 5, at the doctors office waiting for my mom to come out… Shortly after been given forms. It wasn’t until years later I heard her speak about cervical cancer. 
I was 22 when I did cryosurgery. Three months later I found out it was unsuccessful so I tried laser therapy and burned those abnormal cells to hell. Every three months I went to my gyno to find out that most, but not all cells were gone. A year later I underwent another laser and at 24 I was deemed free of gyno visits every three months- back down to one a year. Yippie!

I’m 26, and it feels like I’m 19 again because the cells are back, in abundance with vengeance. 


Overthinking for the over thinkers. 


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So it’s been a while since I took my last anti depressant and I’m not sure how to feel. I’ve been finding it hard to distinguish between when I should actually be sad and when I’m just over thinking things causing anxiety. 

I am an over thinker 100%. I will constantly think from the moment I wake up to when I can finally shut my brain off enough to fall asleep. I sleep on average of 5 hours per night, sometimes more, sometimes less. I remember things from 2 hours to even 5,10, 20 years ago even and I can replay scenarios in my head, trying to think of different ways each scenario could have/ should have ended, and where I might be now if I had gone down a different “road.” 

To be honest, I can’t be 100% sure if I over thought this much on the anti depressants, but I’m sure I did. But, I’m going through something where I don’t feel valued, and I feel like I’m coming up second best in my relationship with my boyfriend. It’s odd because he comes to town and then because he’s from here, he has all of his friends and family just taking up more and more of his time… And I feel like I’m just the after thought at the end of the day or whenever he has time … Then we hang out. 

If I voice my opinion then I’m told he has friends he wants to see etc etc… So I can’t tell him to not see his friends but… I’m trying to build a relationship and a life with this man, but I can’t do that.   All of his friends in relationships get to see their significant others every single day. I don’t. If he’s in town for two weeks, I’ll see him for MAYBE four of those days. And when I’m with him he’s still constantly in contact with his friends… 

Anyways, it leads to this over thinking that am I good enough? [erased everything after this]

This is so stupid. 

Do I actually need to get on my hands and knees and actually beg for attention?