Aside

Here’s to hope

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It was November when I first found this lump on my neck. If memory serves me correctly (it’s been pretty shotty lately) but, if it’s correct I was rubbing moisturizer into my face and neck getting ready for the day when my fingers ran across it. Very odd I remember thinking, so I did what every other human being would do… hit up google. I deemed it a case of being stressed/ an oncoming cold/ flu… I had just started a a new job the month beforehand working crazy hours so I figured I was bound to be stresssed/ sick. 

Fast forward to October and I felt beyond exhausted… like there’s no other way to describe how I felt except physically and mentally exhausted. I had been putting in long hours at work and again stressed to the max because of it. The lump was still there popping out of my neck saying hi to all of my hair was up and I recall thinking “hm, well I haven’t gotten sick yet, that’s odd.” At the end of the month I remember thinking well if it’s still there in two weeks I’ll make a doc appointment to get it checked out. Two weeks came and went and I thought… well, in the new year if it’s still there then I’ll call. I was getting a little nervous but nothing I was ready to share with the outside world yet.

The second week of January I was at work and I went. Blind in my right eye for 10 minutes… so I figured I should call and make that doc appointment. Doc appointment came and after a long discussion and exam of my lump it was discovered that it was actually two lumps, one smaller marble sized one and the other about the size of a golf ball. That would explain the funny shape I felt. Sent for blood work and an ultrasound to begin the ruling out process. Could be reactive nodes, could be mono… I was hoping for mono… that would have made sense to me.  Two days later I had my blood results back, and my white blood cell levels were all marked LO. The rest of my numbers were low, but within the “normal” range. Ultrasound was a week later and the results another week. 

Beginning of march I had my next appointment with my doc who explained the results, to which further questions were asked. After explaining what I was going through and feeling on a daily basis, along with another exam of my entire neck it was deemed that another ultrasound, and follow up blood work would be necessary. Mono, reactive nodes and a few other things had been ruled out from the bloodwork.. thus new terms were brought into the scenario. It helped actually because what she said 1000% fit everything I was feeling. It helped to have a name for something I am experiencing, although not diagnosed, it just helped to ensure I wasn’t going crazy and that something odd was going on. 

Fast forward to last week where I received news that according to the ultrasound in comparative to my first one that the lumps had indeed grown. So much so that now the next step is to have more bloodwork done, a ct scan as well as a biopsy of these things. So finally one step closer to hopefully figuring out why these lumps have decided to call my neck home for the past 7 months. 

It could be nothing, but it could also be something- both of which I’m preparing myself for. 

My outward existence is that of something in survival mode I’ve deemed. Neither here nor there, just going through the motions of everyday life… trying to focus on work and others and making others happy than focusing on my own well being. I feel numb to this entire situation until I’m home alone about to fall asleep where my mind races. Or I’ll have a day off and have a mental breakdown for a few minutes having to pull myself together because I know there’s nothing I can change and that I’m on the road to finding out answers. 

I layed down on my couch earlier today and experienced heart palpitations… probably brought on by the news from the other day. I was at work when I missed the phone call from my doctor, to which I took a deep breath, found a quiet space and called back. My hands were shaking, and even began to tangle as if they were falling asleep… I think I was going into shock I don’t know. “So, the lumps have indeed increased in size.” We both knew it the last time I had seen her but this confirmed it. This confirmed that whatever it is, it’s not going away or down without a fight. I broke down at work for a few minutes, got myself together and went and got more blood work done. Levels are still low and my creatinine levels are continually decreasing. 

So I am waiting for the ct as well as the biopsy. Still hoping to wake up one morning and the lumps not be there anymore… still hoping because you just never know. Stranger things have happened I’m sure. 

Aside

Just one of those nights

Somehow I thought having a name for what I’m experiencing, feeling and going through would… I don’t know… help? Make it all make sense? Make it all okay? Not necessarily better but give a sense of direction maybe, for the future. Three possibilities left, and the waiting truly is heart wrenching. I won’t get started on the tests. Getting through each hour in a day just to go back to sleep and wake up to do the same thing, have the same questions and thoughts… it’s draining. But somehow, I really did think getting a diagnosis would help. Instead it makes me question everything I do in a day, say to a person, how I speak. It’s mentally draining to know something and have to go through the motions of daily life… like everything is “normal.” 

Or having to calm others down and put on that brave front even more. I wake up every single morning hoping what I was experiencing the days, and nights before are all gone. That everything is truly 100% okay. The lumps are still there, the swollen fingers and legs still happen, the bones still feel like their slowly being hack sawed… and that exhaustion is 10000% making it all worse. But maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and it’ll all just go away. Maybe if I can fall asleep, and stay asleep for more than 3 hours, maybe then my body will decide to fight back on it’s own.     

Until then, the wait. 

Aside

Late night

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Im scared out of my freaking mind. I just need to get away and think, sit somewhere, drive to listen to some music, cry and car dance just to laugh at myself. I just want an answer and I just want to know what’s going on. It’s like deep down there’s this feeling that something’s not right but there’s also this thing in the back of my mind telling me it could be normal and it could be nothing. It just makes you want to tell everyone you love them, makes you work that much harder, appreciate any ups or downs and any challenges that may arise. It means I’m breathing, Functioning and Alive. I still want to get away and cry and pray that everything will be all right. Just like I try to convince everyone else that it’s honestly probably nothing. I convince myself until I need to move my hair, put earrings in, put moisturizer and makeup on. I convince myself until I have to look in the mirror. I convince myself it’s nothing and that it will be gone in the morning so I can fall asleep. I convince myself that blacking out while standing up for a second is something normal. That started the other day, because maybe I’m just stressed. I am working a lot. I know I shouldn’t be drinking so much coffee either, it makes my stomach sick, but to be honest, I’m tired. Exhausted. The coffee gives me my personality back until it wares off. I’m just so tired. And scared. I’m also scared. What gets me is that i used to get sick all of the time. Like all the time. Someone could cough in my direction and I could get sick, and it would seemingly last forever. Until one day I would be fine for a week and then bam, sick again. But this year, I really haven’t been sick, from what I can remember anyways. My memory’s been quite foggy lately. I mean I think I maybe had the flu or something early last year but I think that’s about it. I remember I felt like death. Although I thought I didn’t have energy then… nothing compares to my lack of energy now. Its not even a lack of energy anymore, it’s honestly like I just physically can’t move anymore. But I still manage to somehow. My bones also really hurt… ugh 
I’ve noticed I have stopped caring about how much makeup I put on my face these past couple of weeks as well. Instead of a heavy foundation I’ve switched to a light tinted moisturizer so I don’t have to spend so much time touching my skin to blend, chancing touching the bumps. I’m scared of them because I don’t know why they won’t go away even though they could honestly be nothing. It’s like the less time I take caring about my appearance the easier it is to forget there’s something I want to hide and ultimately go away. 

Aside

For there is a memory in the smallest of acts

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This year has been one for the books. It was the year of me- for me. I have done quite a lot of reflecting and reminiscing about the past, from 10 years ago until today. I was trying to think what would my 16 year old self think if she knew the things I know now. Its strange to say that I wouldn’t change anything because from everything I have done, or places I have been… I learnt something.

I learnt… what family means… the value in close friendships… the ability to love someone more than I love myself… to forgive and to most importantly move on… to always trust my instincts… to persevere through tough situations… the healing power of a full bodied laugh…  to live in the moment… to always take the path less traveled…

Most importantly, I have learnt to love myself for who I am. I have learnt that speaking my mind and voicing my opinion directly correlates to who I am and who I strive my future self to be. I have learnt that risks are a necessary evil; that to get ahead you need to push yourself and aim for more.
Almost a month ago I quit my job because I wasn’t happy, and I couldn’t stand going into work… so I left. But, I left and I had a well paying job with benefits lined up ready to go. But I still wasn’t happy… I was craving more fulfillment, more… something. A first for me… but I quit after three weeks. It was great, the people were great, it was all great.. but it wasn’t great for me.

Now? Now I am so incredibly happy and excited about what my future has in store. Somewhere along the way this past year I forgot my promise to myself, a promise to always be happy. My one goal in life is to always be happy above all else. Now it’s time to love what I do as well. This upcoming month will bring a new positive, new goals to work towards and I honestly could not be happier.

Cheers to finishing off the year on the same positive note it was rung in with.

x

 

Aside

Im having trouble

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I just want to cry. I want to physically throw this computer across the room and scream at the top of my lungs.

I cant help but think that I’m in a relationship with just a  figment of a man that exists in my phone because really what else is there?

So I put on a playlist of sad music and cry some more.

I wish I could tell the future and what it has in store for me.. to see if I am making the right choices in life or what? Am I just going through the motions of life for someone else or is there really something that’s going to come from this.

I just want to hide away in a corner somewhere and just be alone from everything.

It’s an odd feeling to be in a relationship with someone you love and want to be with, but not to actually feel loved and wanted. And I feel so guilty about it because I just want to be normal. I feel like Im in a relationship with my phone whether hes here or hes not.

Its such a hard thing to describe, the feeling of not being important even after they tell you that you are. That I have no reason to be angry or upset because they have it worse. That’s how it feels. So I try not to bring it up.

Im selfish for wanting to see the person Im in a relationship with, for wanting more, anything that just shows that Im important because I dont feel like it. If it bugs me that he lives with someone else, its my problem because well “who her? you’ve met her!”. If it bugs me that i dont see him enough “well youre working, do you expect me to jus sit at home alone all day? I havent even seen my family so why are you complaining”.

I just… I just want something more. I used to be able to gush about how much I loved him and now, now I just sit silently because I have nothing to offer. He wants a relationship with his friends and his life more than anything at this point.

Aside

Stage zero

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So apparently there’s something called stage zero cancer. But I feel like as soon as you hear the word cancer you automatically think the worst- at least I did. 

2009. 

I remember exactly where I was, what I was doing, what my surroundings looked like when I received a call from a nurse telling me to call them back. I remember lying in my doctors office a few weeks earlier when he motioned to a nurse for something extra. That test then revealed I needed to have a further biopsy done. So I called my doctors office, told them who I was and that I was returning a phone call. The nurse gave me a long pause. Told me she had better get the doctor for me- did I say it was 6pm when I got this phone call, much later than the office was actually open. 

A test came back that I had precancerous cells… Located in my cervix. I was 19 when I heard those words for the first time. I was told there was an abundance of abnormal cells and the biopsy did confirm precancerous cells. It wasn’t cancer in its truest form but it could be. 

I distinctly think back to the time when I was maybe 5, at the doctors office waiting for my mom to come out… Shortly after been given forms. It wasn’t until years later I heard her speak about cervical cancer. 
I was 22 when I did cryosurgery. Three months later I found out it was unsuccessful so I tried laser therapy and burned those abnormal cells to hell. Every three months I went to my gyno to find out that most, but not all cells were gone. A year later I underwent another laser and at 24 I was deemed free of gyno visits every three months- back down to one a year. Yippie!

I’m 26, and it feels like I’m 19 again because the cells are back, in abundance with vengeance. 

Aside

Overthinking for the over thinkers. 

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So it’s been a while since I took my last anti depressant and I’m not sure how to feel. I’ve been finding it hard to distinguish between when I should actually be sad and when I’m just over thinking things causing anxiety. 

I am an over thinker 100%. I will constantly think from the moment I wake up to when I can finally shut my brain off enough to fall asleep. I sleep on average of 5 hours per night, sometimes more, sometimes less. I remember things from 2 hours to even 5,10, 20 years ago even and I can replay scenarios in my head, trying to think of different ways each scenario could have/ should have ended, and where I might be now if I had gone down a different “road.” 

To be honest, I can’t be 100% sure if I over thought this much on the anti depressants, but I’m sure I did. But, I’m going through something where I don’t feel valued, and I feel like I’m coming up second best in my relationship with my boyfriend. It’s odd because he comes to town and then because he’s from here, he has all of his friends and family just taking up more and more of his time… And I feel like I’m just the after thought at the end of the day or whenever he has time … Then we hang out. 

If I voice my opinion then I’m told he has friends he wants to see etc etc… So I can’t tell him to not see his friends but… I’m trying to build a relationship and a life with this man, but I can’t do that.   All of his friends in relationships get to see their significant others every single day. I don’t. If he’s in town for two weeks, I’ll see him for MAYBE four of those days. And when I’m with him he’s still constantly in contact with his friends… 

Anyways, it leads to this over thinking that am I good enough? [erased everything after this]

This is so stupid. 

Do I actually need to get on my hands and knees and actually beg for attention?

Aside

The best of times 

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The decisions we make throughout our lives truely fascinate me. 

I have had the most interesting journey with one of my friends with whom I met my first year of high school when I was 14. 

We became best friends almost instantly, we hung out every single day and began to learn about each other. We knew each other in and out backwards and forwards as odd as that sounds. 

The other night we chatted about all the memories we had with each other and one thing came into question. The question of “what could have been.” Our memories had brought so much joy to us, even the not so fancy ones… 

There was a time at which we didn’t speak for over a year… We had a falling out and just seemed to move on with our lives. Little did we know we would become inseparable again, after we had both just thought, maybe that was it. 

Inseparable as we had become, things were different we both knew. As much as we tried, as much as we try to pretend nothing’s changed. We have changed. 

It wasn’t until a woman I know brought something up to me, a question she asked that seemed all to real. It was about something she was going through with someone and she wanted my opinion. Had I experienced the same thing? 

Funny how life works some times. She was going through what I had finally said no to. My friend that I had been friends with for 12 years now brought up the question as to why we never dated. I laughed, told him we were too much like family. Truth is, we had had this conversation before, many times in fact. We always had excuses, I was too young, didn’t believe in relationships, then he got into a relationship to which the girl ended up screwing him over big time, I fell in love with my first boyfriend, he hated women, I hated men.     

We just never would have worked. Through it all, we remained close. I would listen to him and he would listen to me. We know each other and I think we finally understand that this is how it is- we are friends until the end. 

We are both the type of people who like to sit back, relax and reminisce about life. Just talk about all the stupid, fun or boring things we do or don’t do with our lives. It’s funny how life works sometimes. 

It never would have worked out because it shouldn’t have worked out. 

I am exactly where I should be and its the little things in life that keep reminding me of that. 

Wandering alone

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I wonder sometimes what life would be like if I hadn’t made certain choices in life. 

I wonder, where might I be right now? What life path would I be on… Who would I have surrounding me during my moments of awe or sadness. 

What if I had said yes, when instead I shouted no. 

What if I knew who I was when I was 18, what I wanted… 

What if, what if I could have exactly what I wanted at 18, right now…. Would I be happy? Would I feel fulfilled? Would I have stopped wondering about who I should be by now, should have accomplished by now… Would that all disappear? 

I wonder sometimes but I try to not let it hold me back. For the very first time I’m about to be truely alone and I don’t know what to think of it. 

I can’t wait to move, to decorate, to dance around my apartment and sing out loud and laugh at myself for being dumb. I’m looking forward to moving around my furniture until I get it “just right.” I’m looking forward to the times I’m trying to hammer a nail into the wall and I accidentally hit my finger. I can’t wait to laugh at all the recipes I’m going to screw up while trying to not catch anything on fire. What I’m not looking forward to are the long nights alone, sitting out on the balcony this summer at night looking at the stars and just thinking. Wondering about all those what ifs in my life, wondering if I’m where I should be. If things are going according to plan or did I miss a step along the way? 

I’m wondering what it’s really going to feel like to be alone. 

I had a panic attack today 

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I had a panic attack today: a couple minor ones throughout the day to be exact. 

I did it to myself. 

I have yet to find a job in my field in which I graduated with a degree in this past December and I want to go back to school so I want to find the funding to do so. I’m in a long distance relationship that I find it hard to keep afloat due to a lack of communication. How do I miss someone so much and yet I barely talk to them each day. It’s all texting these days- there is no real communication. We work all day- I’m two hours ahead so when he finally gets home, I’m ready for bed and he’s at home cooking dinner and can’t talk. I feel like when I do call I’m wasting his time like he has better things he could be doing. So I don’t call. I don’t talk about my feelings. I want to cry. 

It was midnight last night and I couldn’t stop thinking about work and school and him. I just wanted it to all go away. As I was falling asleep I just wished I could die and not have to deal with it anymore. 

I was so scared of that thought and I still am. I’ve never had those thoughts before… But there I was. Lying in bed just thinking to myself through all the tears that I just wanted to die.

I got up this morning in a bad mood. Ashamed of my thoughts from the night prior. I had to go to work, I had to force myself to smile and go to work and pretend like everything is fine. Except when I got to work I had it written on my face that something wasn’t okay and I started crying. I didn’t know what else to do. My boyfriend and I were bickering about something stupid… I’m hormonal and I just want everything to go away. 

I tell my boyfriend I miss him and I want him to come home and up until I tell him I want him to come home it’s all fine… It’s that last part that hits a nerve with him. But I don’t know how to tell him that I actually need him to come home… I don’t know how much longer I can take right now and it scares me.

I can’t stop panicking. I thought it would go away.