So… it’s been awhile.
A few weeks ago I had made plans to go see a new friend and her two children for the day. The night before I was supposed to head over to her house however, I lay in bed crying overwhelmed by the amount of sheer pain I was in. The only way I could describe it was by imagining two stakes (like the blunt ones you use to keep a tent in the ground). Two stakes being dug into my shoulders as I just simply lay there, looking at the clock as time passed by, thinking how the hell I was going to muster getting out of bed in the morning to follow through with my plans. Like I just moved to an entirely new city- a new province even. I NEED FRIENDS. 6am rolled around, still no sleep so I unfortunately messaged my friend to tell her I was unable to make it in a few hours… I was trying to will myself to sleep through the pain and the tears. Advil, melatonin, vitamin d, my bone meds… literally nothing was working. I guess throughout all the crying and pills, I managed to fall asleep for an hour or so that day.
I don’t think I will ever be able to forget that pain. And even more unfortunately the entire next day was filled with the same pain combined with my usual arm bone pain. So that was SUPER fun. Fast forward a few days later, I started feeling unwell & felt the lymph nodes all swollen down my neck and upper chest again. I ended up calling my doctor back in Ontario who scheduled me to get my blood drawn in my current city. Low and behold those pesky white blood cells were indeed incredibly low and was told to stay indoors or run the risk of getting worse. She also scheduled me for a bone scan when I come home in a few weeks so… yay. Expecting the worse but hoping for the best.
What sucks is that for the past 6 or so months every test I’ve had to take, the countless amount of blood I had taken from my body stayed consistent. Nothing good, but nothing worse than what it had previously been. So why all of the sudden changes? Just when I find a new job that I loved, with awesome people… I’m told I should stay home or basically run an even higher chance of getting worse. I’m 28 years old and I have the immune system of what feels like a 90 year old woman.
I try my best to keep in high spirits with a positive attitude, but the anxiety has also crept back in slowly. I do my best to keep it at bay but there are plenty of times in one day where I just can’t help but think the worst. What if there are new bone lesions? What if one day I’m out for a run and my legs just give out and break. I have to constantly use hand sanitizer if I’m out, and make sure to always use hand railings to steady my balance going up and down stairs. It’s honestly this full circle of having to touch everything that is covered in germs and yet use this sanitizing liquid (taking what natural self defence I do somewhat have down to a solid zero). Obviously I’m overthinking everything and I’m sure everything will be fine… but there’s just always that nagging feeling in the back of my head that somethings just not right.